What follows life? Death. Not a subject that is happy or enjoyable, but it is a fact and truth for each of us. This is what lead me to writing blogs, I needed another outlet and want to hear about your experiences.
4 weeks ago my sister, 45, passed away suddenly. 19 years ago on May 20, 1998, my brother passed away suddenly. I am all that is left, of the three. I was speaking with someone the other day and they said “oh my, this feels like a bad movie!” And I couldn’t help but to agree. My sister made some not so great life choices, she was a drug addict. She struggled for over 10 years, she would get clean, then go right back. At whatever cost, she would get her drugs, taking money that was for her son’s Christmases, asking friends and family to borrow money “for food” and she left nothing of value behind, because it had all been hawked. After my nephew turned 18 and graduated high school, I decided, that her being a part of my life and my 3 daughters’ lives, was no longer acceptable. A decision I both regret and don’t regret all at the same time. After my brother had passed away (due to menangitis) , I had a tremendous amount of guilt, that I didn’t get to say good-bye, I was so angry that we didn’t have the chance to grow up and be in each other’s lives. I swore I would never do that again, however, I did. It hurts, it hurts even more now! My sister had a medical emergency almost two years ago, I was told she was close to death then, I hurried up to the hospital, to make sure I was there, in case it was time. It wasn’t, she had lost her right arm, to save her life, although, in my opinion, it took her closer to her death. So when I got the call this time, that it was close, and she was being rushed to the hospital, I took it for granted. In my head, she would be fine in a few days. She wasn’t fine, she was gone this time, gone forever. I was left in the turmoil of my own thoughts, I was angry at her, although this was not an overdose, the years of drug abuse, ultimately lead to this demise.
Up to this point I have been through a lot in my life, 38 years of constant ups and downs. I had left an awful marriage, 7 years ago, and have been trying to make my way, so to speak, since then. Plenty of failed relationships, hardships with work, and it had been me mainly to leave it all behind, I am a “runner” in life. I had been “strong” and attempted to deal with this, mainly by myself. No one ever knew how I truly felt, I had kept every emotion to myself. The day of my sister’s funeral, the flood gates opened and every emotion I had bottled up, tight, came crashing down on me! It was scary, emotional and it pissed me off! I had to admit defeat and ask for help dealing with it all, Everything that I had been through in life. My friends have been amazing support, those I have chose to keep in contact with (that’s a whole other story) and decided to call a therapist. At first, I didn’t want to tell anyone, because, I was always deemed the “strong one” and here it is, me needing help. Everyone now knows, that therapy is my choice of coping and letting go. I am not seeking the help of medications, rather than therapy, friends and essential oils! So far it is all helping, of course there are good days and bad days, as to be expected.
Have you ever had to deal with a loss that consumes your days and nights, that leave you feeling desperate for just one more chance? It isn’t easy, it feels unfair, to those of us left having to deal with these losses. How have you coped, dealing with death?
Leaving A’s softball game the other night, I stopped at a Steak n Shake drive thru, with my oldest daughter and her best friend. (It was A & L’s time with their dad) It had started to rain, just a drizzle and as we waited for our food, a rainbow appeared. The colors all seemed to mush toghether, yet it was still so vibrant and beautiful, to me.
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